I hate getting sick. Not for the obvious reason – in fact physically sometimes its quite pleasant to have an opportunity to spend some time horizontally looking at the roof, or just lying on the couch reading. Rather, it’s the mental torture I put myself through. I’m doing all sorts of things that are supposed to result in boundless health, tai chi, eating healthily, and yet I still get sick. It infuriates me, I see it as a personal failure. And today I’m sick – my body aching all over.
So, in the best of avoidance strategies, I look for excuses 🙂 The disillusionment with humanity caused by the awful film on Saturday. The junk I ate during the day Saturday (lots of salt and sugar, I could feel my body seizing up – two popcorns with too much salt, chocolate nuts, a hot chocolate, a sugared iced tea). I was stil feeling fine on Sunday, but the final straw was perhaps the lack of sleep on Sunday night – Dorje has also been sick, and he woke up at 2am. I went downstairs and put him back to sleep. At 4am he was in the bed with me, and from then on it was tickets to a good night’s sleep, with him coughing incessantly.
Self-forgiveness has always been difficult for me to do, but perhaps with the excuses out the way I can let myself be happily sick, and forgive myself the heinous crime of salty popcorn.