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Cape Town wiki meetup with Wikimedia Foundation’s Asaf Bartov

Cape Town was very lucky to host Wikimedia Foundation’s Senior Program Officer Asaf Bartov at the end of his Africa tour. We held a meetup, and it proved particularly inspiring to those attending.

Asaf spoke about Wikidata, discussed projects using the data, and demonstrated a number of tools that were new to most of us, such as https://query.wikidata.org, which uses the SPARQL query language to query Wikidata content.

Cape Town Wiki Meetup May 2018

Wikidata adds structure to the content which makes pulling out all kinds of related information possible. Wikipedia data is fairly unstructured. Numerous categories exist, so if you’re looking for, say, a list of South African politicians, there’s both a list page and a category page. However, if you want something more detailed, such as a list of South African politicians that have a father that was a politician, without lots of manual slogging, Wikipedia alone won’t be much help. That’s where https://query.wikidata.org comes in, and once familiar with SPARQL, such questions are easy to answer.

Even more exciting to me was Quarry. Years ago I remember toying with the idea of downloading a Wikipedia database dump, but at the time the massive download would probably have ground South Africa’s internet to a halt. Quarry is an interface for running SQL queries directly on the Wikimedia Foundation’s backend MariaDB databases. The bar to getting something useful is a little higher than on https://query.wikidata.org, as to use it effectively requires getting to know the data structure, but since access is direct, it’s a tremendously powerful tool to extract almost anything you want.

The easiest way to get started is to take someone else’s query and modify it. For example, here is a query listing pages from the Afrikaans Wikipedia that don’t have an Afrikaans label on Wikidata, which I forked from Asaf’s demo run during the meetup: https://quarry.wmflabs.org/query/27283

I can already see myself diving in and automating and expanding the (semi) regular African language updates I do, or getting automatic notifications of activity in some of the small South African language Wikipedias.

And if those listed above are not enough, Asaf has a tool section on his user page listing yet more wonderful tools you’ve probably never heard of.

Thanks Asaf for taking the initiative to pay a visit to some of the African Wikimedia communities, and leaving a trail of inspiration in your wake.

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Black Panther

Tonight was the opening night of Black Panther. It’s been getting heavy publicity for being the first of eighteen Marvel superhero films to feature a black lead, and features a predominantly black cast.

For some this is just tokenism, an attempt to find a new angle to sell yet more movie tickets. So was there more to it than this? Mild spoilers ahead.

All I can say is, you should have been there.

It started with a mostly black audience (unusual in the southern suburbs of Cape Town), many dressed up for the event.

From the first appearance of Black Panther, in a trailer, the crowd was shouting and cheering. As the first isiXhosa words were heard, the crowd again broke into prolonged cheering and applause.

The script was great and hit all the right notes. The audience howled at “Great, another broken white boy for us to fix.”, and perhaps the line with the wildest audience reaction was, “Don’t scare me like that, colonizer!” From then on, every time that character spoke out of turn, the crowd shouted him down with cries of “Colonizer!”, and the movie was an interactive experience with the crowd shouting out encouragement and quips all the way through.

Later, when the “colonizer” was forced to stop talking by the guard’s gorilla grunting, the crowd was again shouting in encouragement, with years of racist monkey chanting being reversed to shut up the white guy.

I am certain the EFF will be co-opting some of the themes next time they want to make a symblolic statement in parliament. Who needs miner’s hats and red overalls when you have gorilla chants?

As the movie ended, the crowd broke into applause, with some getting up and dancing. The cinema stayed full for well after the credits started, and the cleaning staff had their hands full getting things ready in time for the next show.

The audience left, breaking into song, dance and gorilla chanting, and many of the the crowd waiting for the next show had cellphones filming the audience reaction.

It’s a euphoric time in Southern Africa, with Mugabe and Zuma both being booted out recently. Both tried to talk the talk, but steered their countries in exactly the opposite direction of the utopian Wakanda featured in the movie. Black Panther came at the perfect time in this part of the world. Someone commented that you could almost feel centuries of oppression being lifted.

Quite a feat for just another superhero movie.

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Patreon meltdown

Patreon just made one of those decisions that look good when explained to investors in the boardroom, but are utterly suicidal when rolled out.

Patreon image

They changed their fee structure, so that instead of the finance fees being charged to creators, they are now charged to patrons. The motivation is sound. Previously, the actual amount paid to a creator was not clear. The patron is charged whatever they pledged. Patreon takes 5%. And then whatever finance charges there were would be passed on to the creators. Patreon saved fees by only charging the patron once, for all of their pledges. So a single $1 pledge would see a chunk taken taken off, but if the patron makes, say, 10 $1 pledges, the fees would be relatively lower.

All of this means that creators were never sure what their income would be. Patrons would change other pledges, and this would affect the amount the creators made. All in all, a bit messy.

After the change, finance charges will be added to the patron’s account. So a single pledge of $1 will now have finance fees added on top of it. What really makes the whole idea a disaster is that the full finance charges are added on to EACH $1 pledge. For those making multiple small pledges, it’s a noticeable increase.

I am still following all the threads, but it appears Patreon are doing this, not to gouge extra money for themselves (by keeping the savings on the finance fees when they batch them), but so that creators no longer get ripped off, with patrons pledging money, getting access to various tiers of rewards that many creators offer, and then cancelling their pledge before it goes off.

I can see the motivation. But the result is that far more of my donations would go towards finance charges. I’m happy to support artists. I’m happy to support Patreon as a platform. But if there’s anyone I would not like to be offering needless money to, it’s multinational financial institutions.

The results have obviously come as a surprise to Patreon – huge numbers of pledges being cancelled, especially those, like myself, that make multiple small pledges, and now see more of this being gouged by a middleman.

Many artists are alarmed, reporting on disappearing patrons, anxious as they see incomes they’ve worked hard to build now under threat, disappointed that Patreon would do something like this.

In March 2015, I started a series 30 Artists in 30 Days, experimenting with Patreon. It was fairly new to me then, and I loved the concept, the ability to support artists almost directly, with the actual artist receiving most of the donations.

It’s sad to see Patreon going the other way, and to see artists losing out.

I had consolidated some of the list since March 2015, but after this recent announcement will cancel most, if not all, of my pledges. I like to see my donations being well-used.

But I’d still like to support many of the artists.

I’m probably not the average patron. I support multiple creators for small amounts simply to support them in their art. Many artists have complicated tiers offering all sorts of rewards. I understand why they do that, and I’m sure most people like to feel they are getting something extra for their support. I am just happy to contribute something to reward artists that I appreciate. I listen to their music on SoundCloud, watch videos on Youtube, all for free. In this way I can give a little bit back. I don’t particularly care that I get to listen to their new release a few days earlier, or have an opportunity to appear on their album.

So what are the alternatives? There are many Patreon-like platforms, but one that appeals is Liberapay. They’re a non-profit organization, and the code is entirely open source. They don’t take a cut of the pledges.

That’s right. Nothing. 0%.

So that leaves just the payment processing fees. These look a little higher than Patreon’s, at least for credit cards, but overall the cut is still far lower, and payments are batched like Patreon’s used to be. There’s also the advantage for artists of free withdrawals to a bank account in the Single Euro Payments Area. So overall, a far higher percentage of the donation goes to the artist.

With no commission, how does Liberapay sustain itself? Liberapay relies on donations, and one can support the Liberapay project through the Liberapay platform. I still have concerns about sustainability, as Liberapay currently earns very little, but hopefully it can build itself up to be sustainable.

Liberapay logo

Liberapay is not Patreon. It’s missing many features, has an interface that could be greatly improved, and is also set up as a donations platform, rather than one to provide rewards and tiers. So it may not appeal to all artists. But it’s open-source, meaning that you anyone can contribute to the development of the project.

It’s a distressing time for many artists as they lose substantial numbers of small-scale supporters.

But as I said, I’d still like to support some of the artists. So here’s my commitment. To any artists that I used to support on Patreon, if you come across to Liberapay, I’ll match my old pledge to you there.

Hope to see you on Liberapay!

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Observatory energised

Democracy, ideally, represents rule by the people, but in a world with powerful centralised nation states, antiquated voting systems, and social media quickly spreading misinformation about remote events, in practice, it’s far from that. Just look at the state of most so-called democracies.

Obs Special General Meeting

But democracy in its current incarnation can work reasonably well at the local level. Individuals feel their participation is valued and makes a difference, and are mostly informed about the issues.

I lived in Observatory, a suburb of Cape Town, for much of my adult life, only moving out late last year to be closer to my son’s high school.

Named after the location of the astronomical observatory built there in 1820, Observatory was at the time a distant outpost, remote from the bright lights of Cape Town. As the city grew, Observatory become an urban suburb, close to the city centre. During the apartheid era it remained one of the few ‘grey’ (mixed race) areas to survive the ravages of the Group Areas Act, which ripped up much of the fabric of the city and divided people by race.

The turbulent end of apartheid saw the Heidelberg Massacre, when a number of APLA operatives opened fire in the packed Heidelberg tavern. A few years later, I was sitting in Diva’s in Lower Main Road as a bomb went off just down the road, courtesy of PAGAD (an anti-gangster and drug vigilante group), who presumably targeted Obs thanks to the then-constant cloud of marijuana smoke usually hanging above the suburb. And of course, Observatory has had its fair share of crime and grime.

Like much of Cape Town, the area has been changing, more high-rises have been making their appearance, and all sorts of developments have been proposed, leading to scraps between developers and community groups.

And so we come to the present.

The Observatory Civic Association (a body open to all that reside in Obs, and which has been a thorn in the sides of many developers wanting to rush their plans through) recently held their AGM. Attendance was surprisingly high, and a number of new faces were elected onto the committee. But all was not as it seemed. A large block of new members signed up on the day, voting en masse for a number of candidates, including a new chairman, who turned out to be an architect with interests in a number of developments in the area. It turned out that many of the new members were ineligible, having given false phone numbers, fake addresses, and in one case, listing their residence as a vacant development owned by the new chairman. So, results of the AGM were annulled, and a new AGM called.

Immediately, the management committee member sending the correspondence was sent a threatening legal letter. The usual bullying, lots of dubious legalese, followed by a threat that if she didn’t back down, the costs of any further actions would be for her account.

This kind of intimidation is nothing new to citizens groups across the world. Individuals often don’t have the resources to stand up to the threats, and the intimidatory tactics work. In this case, the person stood down, handing over to an interim chair, who the next day received the same threatening letter.

However, Observatory is not easily intimidated. Old members rushed to renew their memberships, new members rushed to sign up, and word of the attempted takeover spread quickly. A special general meeting, held under the thread of an interdict, saw a record attendance, and the community voted to render the previous election null and void, that the previous OCA management committee continue to hold their posts until a new election is held, and that a new AGM be called within two months.

It’s great to see the Observatory community energised and working together. Hopefully it won’t take another attempted takeover to see this happen again.

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Image courtesy of Maxwell Roeland and GroundUp

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Firefox Quantum and too many tabs

I’ve been running Firefox Quantum as a browser since it came out, and there’s been a noticeable improvement in all areas. Rendering speed, CPU, memory – it lives up to all the hype.

Quantum

I’ve used Firefox as my primary browser for ages, but often used Chrome and Chromium as alternatives for certain sites, or when Firefox was creaking under the load of too many open tabs. I’ve moved most of them to Firefox now, and only use those browsers for easily running multiple sessions (logging in to Twitter with an alternative account, or to quickly test how something looks when I’m not logged in).

I can see this all backfiring though when it comes to the number of tabs I have open. I already spend way too much of my time scrolling through tabs trying to find a specific tab. In the past, I used to vigorously close tabs, as Firefox collapsed under the load when it reached a few hundred. I may not need to do this so much, which means my open tab count could grow drastically. To keep tabs (ha) on this, and since I’ve more than once tried to manually count my number of open tabs, I’ve installed the Tab Counter plugin, which does the tallying up for you.

Right now I’m at a measly 80 open tabs, so I’m feeling light and fresh. Let’s see how high it goes…

Image from Wikimedia Commons

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Have you been inside a wild animal?

I arrive in Shenzhen, China, about 26 hours after leaving my house at 5am. I’m a little worse for wear, and have a mild headache.

Unfortunately, I’ve made a serious mistake, and besides taking a headache tablet, I’ve refused to accept any of the delightful airline food offerings I was presented with. Highly suspicious.

“Passenger in seat M15 please report to immigration staff on landing” Nervous looks from fellow passengers, and some check their bags to see I haven’t snuck any drugs into their unsecured hand luggage.

My first thought was that I’m getting a red carpet welcome and a limo to my hotel. It’s soon clear that the airline staff has reported my dubious culinary behaviour and I’ve been fingered for having the plague.

There are lots of questions. I answer yes to the headache question, but no to whether I have symptoms of vomiting, nausea, diarrhea.

Then they go up a level. Have I butchered an animal, or been around an animal being butchered in the last 10 days? Happily, no I haven’t.

The interrogator doesn’t speak English, but has a handy flipchart of badly-translated English questions. I get to shake my head vigorously to each question while she glares at me suspiciously. Shenzhen is grey – I’m not sure if it’s rain or smog. Well, it is rain, but there may be some smog involved too. I desperately hope I don’t start sneezing.

Smog or rain
Rain or smog?

Next question. Have you been inside a wild animal in the last 30 days? I’m tempted to answer yes, but immigration officials don’t always have a sense of humour, especially when protecting their country from African plague-bearers, so I shake vigorously again. I’m fairly sure that in China nodding and shaking have the same meaning as in English. But if not, that could explain some of the later treatment.

The flipchart wasn’t enough. She dials a number and gets me to answer more questions from a voice prompt. I try to put on my strongest South African accent, but the voice recognition is surprisingly good and get’s it right each time. Nothing about wild animals though. But a lot of questions about which countries in Africa I’ve visited recently, and which part of South Africa I come from.

I’ve only answered yes to the mild headache, and happily have no other symptoms. Luckily I landed quite early, about 10h50, but I would like to finish up soon. She puts on some rubber gloves. This is not looking good. She grabs what looks like a needle and leans over to me. She has quite a stretch as I seem to have lurched backwards when I saw the gloves.

It’s a thermometer, and she gets to see whether she can add fever to the list. I wonder how accurate a temperature reading is going to be when you’re groping at someone with rubber gloves, but can only wait and see.

After lots of what I hope is only smalltalk between her and a colleague, and not a back and forth about which quarantine committee to call, she removes the thermometer.

I have no idea what the reading indicated, but she grabs a needle. A real one with a point this time. Now I’m protesting, and she calls in a colleague who can speak some English.

“We have to take some of your blood”. I know how these things go. Don’t co-operate and I’ll spend the week in quarantine, or end up being grilled in another little room, so I reluctantly agree. I’m happy my temperature has already been taken as it’s just gone up a notch.

I presume passing out when I see the needle start filling with blood will only further arouse their suspicion, so I look as far away as possible.

Next, my blood pressure is taken. I’m sure it’s high.

Finally they let me go, and escort me to passport control. Everyone else has long gone, and the lone official has to get out of his chair to open the lane. He has seen me being escorted out of the immigration room, and has a glint in his eye. Today’s the day his training gets put to good use.

He flips through the pages, looking at each one carefully. And back again. He rubs his fingers over the visa and passport picture page, and then rubs them both with another piece of paper, presumably seeing if the forgery would rub off. He looks disappointed. Then he takes out a magnifying glass. By this time another plane has arrived, and a queue is forming. He’s still the lone official on duty. He examines each character through the magnifying glass. Then he flips through the passport some more. He calls a supervisor. The supervisor doesn’t entertain his wild theories about how I’ve undoubtedly forged the passport, and quickly goes back to snoozing on his own chair.

The crowd behind me is grumbling. I’m leaning against the counter rolling my eyes, wondering if the metro will still be open by the time I get out of there.

He takes out the magnifying glass again. My sense of humour is failing, but I manage to resist the temptation to make a break for it.

He finishes re-examining every character. He folds and prods the pages. He tries to slide something under the passport photo to see if it can be lifted. What was a fairly new passport is starting to look like it’s been in the wash.

Aha! He’s found something! “When you arrive America?” I tell him April. As is stamped in the passport… “When you leave America?!” April again.

Now he’s got me. “IS THIS WHEN YOU LEAVE AMERICA?” He shows me a stamp from yesterday, 11 November. No, that was yesterday, when I left South Africa. He looks confused. He calls the supervisor again.

This time the supervisor snaps at him, with one eye on the now large queue behind me, and the official sadly concedes defeat, stamps my passport and let’s me go.

I’m not sure whether to break into hallelujahs, but I fear they’ll think it’s a symptom of the plague, and haul me back again. I think I spent less time driving across Luxembourg than I did stuck in Shenzhen airport. I try to look like I haven’t been inside any wild animals as I prance out of the airport.

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    September 2017 African language Wikipedia update

    African language map

    It’s time to look at the state of the African language Wikipedias again, as always based on the imperfect metric of number of articles.

    African Language Wikipedias

    Language 11/2/2011 9/5/2013 26/6/2015 24/11/2016 5/9/2017
    Malagasy 3,806 45,361 79,329 82,799 84,634
    Afrikaans 17,002 26,752 35,856 42,732 46,824
    Swahili 21,244 25,265 29,127 34,613 37,443
    Yoruba 12,174 30,585 31,068 31,483 31,577
    Egyptian Arabic   10,379 14,192 15,959 17,138
    Amharic 6,738 12,360 12,950 13,279 13,789
    Northern Sotho 557 685 1,000 7,605 7,823
    Somali 1,639 2,757 3,446 4,322 4,727
    Lingala 1,394 2,025 2,062 2,777 2,915
    Kabyle   1,503 2,296 2,847 2,887
    Shona   1,421 2,321 2,638 2,851
    Kinyarwanda   1,817 1,780 1,799 1,810
    Hausa – – 1,345 1,400 1,525
    Igbo – – 1,019 1,284 1,384
    Kikuyu – – – – 1,349
    Kongo – – – 1,173 1,176
    Wolof 1,116 1,161 1,023 1,058 1,157
    Luganda – – – 1,082 1,153

    This is the 2nd update in a row that gets to welcome a new language to the thousand article mark – congratulations Kikuyu which has now joined the list, and is already hot on the tail of Igbo.

    I know some of the Afrikaans Wikipedia editors have been a bit disappointed by the slowing pace of growth as they move towards 50,000 articles. But, to put it in perspective, the 2013 Global Brittanica had about 40,000 articles, so there are less and less obvious gaps in content. Afrikaans is also one of the highest quality Wikipedias for its size – there’s a focus by many editors on the quality of articles rather than just the numbers. And they shouldn’t be too disappointed by the pace – Afrikaans is still the fastest growing African-language Wikipedia, catching up to Malagasy, which has the most articles.

    It’s interesting that Afrikaans is getting more media attention, but still has to deal with concerns such as but anyone can edit it, how can we trust it?, the kind of thing the English Wikipedia has long moved on from. A definite focus area for us as the Wikimedia South Africa chapter.

    Swahili continues to grow steadily, and Egyptian Arabic as well, and the other languages continue to grow slowly.

    South African Language Wikipedias

    Language 19/11/2011 9/5/2013 26/6/2015 24/11/2016 5/9/2017
    Afrikaans 20,042 26,754 35,856 42,732 46,824
    Northern Sotho 557 685 1,000 7,605 7,823
    Zulu 256 579 683 777 942
    Xhosa 125 148 356 576 708
    Tswana 240 495 503 615 639
    Tsonga 192 240 266 390 526
    Sotho 132 188 223 341 523
    Swati 359 364 410 419 432
    Venda 193 204 151 238 256
    Ndebele (incubator) – – – 12 12

    Looking at the South African languages in particular, besides Afrikaans, Northern Sotho has returned to a more natural growth compared to the spurt of the previous period. User:Aliwal2012 continues to be the standout contributor there, having now created 3,228 pages.

    Growth in the Zulu Wikipedia has picked up slightly, with a few relatively new editors contributing the majority of recent additions.

    Two other languages have also seen an uptick. Tsonga has leapfrogged Swati, mainly thanks to User:Thuvack, who’s on track to make 2017 his record year for Tsonga contributions.

    Sotho has also passed Swati, with User:Aliwal2012 active there as well.

    So what are you waiting for? If you haven’t edited before, don’t be afraid that you’ll find the syntax difficult – be bold, and there’ll always be someone to ask for help. All it takes is clicking that “Edit” link and getting started. With just a few edits a week and you could be making a noticeable difference to one of the African language Wikipedias!

    Picture from Wikimedia Commons.

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    Bliss

    Dragon

    In late 2015, after a moment of bliss, I decided to write down some of the peak moments, those little appearances of bliss, that I’ve experienced in my life. They’re in no particular order, just what came to mind at the time.

    1) In my parent’s garden, doing chi kung at midnight, a clear sky, channeling moonlight to the earth.

    2) A hike in the Hout Bay mountains, 3 close friends, a howling gale and I lean out over the edge, held up by the wind, buffeted, supported.

    3) In a car, driving home from the Boland Trail. Day 2 was cut short by an intense hailstorm, fingers numb, we stumbled and slipped down, sat by a fire having a hot chocolate, drove home in bliss in a warm car, listening to the Waterboys, conversation.

    4) Late night at “the mad-hatters tea party”. The moon is purple, smiling, a figure dancing in circles under the moonlight. Is it one or two figures? The world glows with beauty.

    5) Making love under a skylight, beauty, my body liquid, soft.

    6) On a mountain, a sandy overhang, 3 close friends, candles, sharing stories, connection.

    7) In a forest alone, near Knysna, night falls, fireflies come out, it becomes a magical fairy forest

    8) Dancing in a village in Madagascar, a new years party, a head taller than everyone, the music strange. The ecstasy of surprise, music and connection, after arriving on New Years Eve, no plans, after the dullness of Christmas alone in a forest eating a litchi for dinner.

    9) Floating on my back in Silvermine dam, ears underwater, silence, the mountains a bowl around me.

    10) Arriving at Rustlers Valley after an exhausting 3-day/2-night hitch. Collapse on the welcoming grass. Feel a deep sense of being home.

    11) Dancing at Rustlers Valley, no sense of anyone else. Feeling unwanted in my tent, I go to the dancefloor in the early hours, ecstatic frenzy.

    What’s noticeable about the list is that all eleven are moments felt in the body, mostly outdoors. There have been highs thinking, writing, doing something mental, but none of them have the same intensity as those moments felt in the body. Of the eleven, about half I was alone in some sense, and the other half were shared with others.

    And the other thing noticeable is that none of them are particularly recent. Most are from the 90’s, early 2000s. Only one, perhaps two, are from this decade. Time to change that!

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    Image from Wikimedia Commons

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    No Lady

    I haven’t learned my lesson and I’ve chosen the cheapest hotel I can find in Manhattan, in the Chinatown district.

    I get to my room on the 2nd floor. A gloomy corridor leads to a tiny window, facing a wall, and there are countless doors dotted on either side of the passage, with about a doors-width of wall between each door.

    I enter the room. It has a tiny single bed, too short for me to lie without resting my feet on the wall. The entire room is smaller than a double bed. I can sit up with my back against the one wall, resting my feet on the far wall. I won’t have been the first person to do this, as three of the walls are covered in streaks from weary feet/shoes. There are no windows, but the streaks on one wall are broken by a carefully positioned plastic artwork.

    The view
    Floral masterpiece

    The bathroom is smelly. A friendly cockroach comes out of a drainage hole in the middle of the floor to greet me.

    The rooms have a chicken wire roof, so the area is more like a dorm with tiny walls between them, with every sound from the neighbouring guests broadcast across the floor. “No lady” said the sign outside, and I’m not sure whether they’re more concerned about disturbing the other guests or about the wellbeing of the lady as she contorts to fit on the bed along with the guest. Or perhaps it’s the walls they’re worried about – they don’t look like they could withstand much activity.

    The roof
    It may be New York, but the roof aims for that Alcatraz style

    The wifi is not working.

    I meet a Serbian artist. “Terrible, terrible place. I will never come back here, never!”

    “You hear everything, and the man next door, he’s an ex-convict, he tell me to switch my light off. ‘I’m reading’ I say. He threaten to kill me, say he stab someone to go to jail and if I don’t switch my light off, he kill me. Terrible, terrible.”

    “I snore, he shout at me to keep quiet. But he snore like steam train!”

    The artist leaves to go to his exhibition, where he will put on a helmet in order to control a giant robot arm that will wave him in the air, apparently controlled by his brainwaves.

    I like this place already.

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    A Visit to Home Affairs

    My passport expires soon, so it was time to brave the horrors of Home Affairs again. But wait, could things have improved? Since I last had the pleasure of experiencing their welcome, Home Affairs in Wynberg has moved to Maynard Mall, and this post gave a glowing review.

    Arrive at 11-ish? 8 people in the queue, smoothly in and out? Glowing comments corroborating the experience? What alternative universe have I arrived in!?

    I arrive at Home Affairs about 11h30. There’s a queue snaking right out the door to Capitec Bank. Heh, those poor suckers are probably applying for an ID. I go to the front. Am stopped from going in and told to get a number for the passport queue at the back. No problem, I can already see the envious looks as I’m called in to the passport queue, leaping ahead of the poor saps who’ve probably been waiting since dawn.

    The guard at the back is in deep conversation with someone else. Tells him he needs photos. What? Already a spanner in the works, what happened to the new biometric application system, digital photos taken right there? No problem, I don’t mind getting photos, we’re well situated in a mall, should be easy to get.

    Eventually there’s a small queue by the guard, playing gatekeeper at the back of the large queue. He turns to me. “I’d like to apply for a passport” I smile. He starts laughing.

    “What, hahah, no, we’re full. You must come back tomorrow!”.

    “Er, OK, what time tomorrow” (I’d done well getting there by 11h30 I thought).

    “Before 7am”.

    “BEFORE 7am!?!?”

    “Yes”. He’s already done with me, moves on the next person.

    Before 7am? Not only am I no longer in the utopian universe of 8 people in the queue, I have moved into another universe where the laws of physics do not apply. I can conceive of being there before 7am as easily as I can swim faster than the speed of light.

    I’ll never leave the country again…